Waiting for Daylight: Goodbye to our little angel

Right now, I cannot seem to write a post about how I feel about my 33 week old son's sudden death. But before I found out that he was gone, I kept on listening and watching Maroon 5's Daylight. It was probably my son saying goodbye to me. The lyrics for now will summarize how I feel especially during the time I was waiting to give birth to him and it was just me and him in the labor room, waiting for Daylight to come.

I love you my Vito. I will miss your somersaults inside my tummy and how you would always be so active whenever your Ahia would lay beside me.


Daylight by Maroon Five

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?
This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down
This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over, start all over,
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah)
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah!

Vito's story and the lessons he taught me

Sometimes I wish that the clock stopped on March 30, 2013 when everything was ok - normal and happy.  We got to spend  quality time as a family.  We had a good dinner at Chili's on Holy Thursday.  My brother and his family was also with us during the holiday.  We were complete and I was happy and content.  But there was a sudden turn of events come Easter Sunday.  I did not feel Vito  move in my tummy.  All my attempts to wake him failed.  Even before rushing to the hospital, I somewhat knew that my 33 week old son was gone.  I was unusually calm throughout, which was weird.  

Lying in the labor room for 24 hours, enduring contractions, and getting an epidural felt so surreal.  I was waiting for nothing .  I would never hear my son's cry.  I was just staring blankly on the pink walls of my small cubicle, silently praying for some miracle and hoping that someone would wake me up from this nightmare.  But no one came to say " We got a heartbeat!" or " Happy April fool's day!"  

A little after 6pm, I gave birth to Vito.  I still wished he'd move when he was placed on top of my stomach, but he didn't.  I silently wept and wondered how he looked like until the nurse asked if I wanted to see my little bean, and there he was looking so much like my older son, but a little bigger.  I would never know how different and alike they would be and would never see them wear matching pajamas, share toys and love each other as I pictured them.  I touched his faced, his lips, hands and feet.  I examined his whole face.  My little boy looked very peaceful.  It was as if he was telling me that he was ok, and everything's gonna be ok.

The day of his cremation, which was the following day,  was the hardest.  That was the time that everything sank in.   That was the day when I wept.  I felt so helpless.  

It wasn't an easy pregnancy compared to my first, but all the sacrifices were worth it whenever I felt his somersaults and all tests would show negative.  That's why everyone was bewildered as to what could have happened.  

The results showed that Vito's cause of death was Utero Placental Insufficiency.  There was lack of oxygen supply in the placenta.  Why it happened, no one could tell.  As mentioned we passed all tests with flying colors.  I forced myself to go back to the previous days trying to remember what happened.  But everything was normal.  Vito was his usual active self.  

Almost two months after that tragic incident, I could say that I have accepted Vito's fate. I have never questioned why it happened and never blamed anyone for his loss.   However,  I could never really say that I will ever recover.  The pain of losing a child will never go away.  I wouldn't say that his death has brought something good, but rather it has made me realize that all of us are just living on borrowed time.  Death can come anytime, regardless if you are prepared or not.   It can slowly creep in times when everything seems to be going the way as planned.  

To my son, I would have loved to hold you in my arms everyday, but I am thankful that even if we only had a brief encounter, you taught me to value life, take it one day at a time, value the relationships that I have and spend time with people that matter.  I love you and one day I will be able to hold you and embrace you forever.  

Vito's song

How ironic it is that the song that would remind me of my little angel was sang by my favorite band, Maroon 5.  I only heard this song once during the Grammy's and last Easter Sunday, I found myself looking for this song in Youtube.  Little did I know that 'Daylight' would be my song for Vito.

To those who have never heard of the song (or who do not know who Maroon 5 is), here it is.

I love you, shoti.  Mommy misses you everyday.

Blessed

It has been exactly a week and a day since I gave birth to Vito, sleeping. The first week has been very painful. I have been trying to avoid looking at his picture and when the memory of his face and birth creeps in I try to distract myself.

I am fortunate to have a loving family and supportive friends who are helping me face and recover from losing my little angel. Thank you. I am truly blessed having you guys in my life.