Lying in the labor room for 24 hours, enduring contractions, and getting an epidural felt so surreal. I was waiting for nothing . I would never hear my son's cry. I was just staring blankly on the pink walls of my small cubicle, silently praying for some miracle and hoping that someone would wake me up from this nightmare. But no one came to say " We got a heartbeat!" or " Happy April fool's day!"
A little after 6pm, I gave birth to Vito. I still wished he'd move when he was placed on top of my stomach, but he didn't. I silently wept and wondered how he looked like until the nurse asked if I wanted to see my little bean, and there he was looking so much like my older son, but a little bigger. I would never know how different and alike they would be and would never see them wear matching pajamas, share toys and love each other as I pictured them. I touched his faced, his lips, hands and feet. I examined his whole face. My little boy looked very peaceful. It was as if he was telling me that he was ok, and everything's gonna be ok.
The day of his cremation, which was the following day, was the hardest. That was the time that everything sank in. That was the day when I wept. I felt so helpless.
It wasn't an easy pregnancy compared to my first, but all the sacrifices were worth it whenever I felt his somersaults and all tests would show negative. That's why everyone was bewildered as to what could have happened.
The results showed that Vito's cause of death was Utero Placental Insufficiency. There was lack of oxygen supply in the placenta. Why it happened, no one could tell. As mentioned we passed all tests with flying colors. I forced myself to go back to the previous days trying to remember what happened. But everything was normal. Vito was his usual active self.
Almost two months after that tragic incident, I could say that I have accepted Vito's fate. I have never questioned why it happened and never blamed anyone for his loss. However, I could never really say that I will ever recover. The pain of losing a child will never go away. I wouldn't say that his death has brought something good, but rather it has made me realize that all of us are just living on borrowed time. Death can come anytime, regardless if you are prepared or not. It can slowly creep in times when everything seems to be going the way as planned.
To my son, I would have loved to hold you in my arms everyday, but I am thankful that even if we only had a brief encounter, you taught me to value life, take it one day at a time, value the relationships that I have and spend time with people that matter. I love you and one day I will be able to hold you and embrace you forever.