Friday, May 24, 2013

Vito's story and the lessons he taught me

Sometimes I wish that the clock stopped on March 30, 2013 when everything was ok - normal and happy.  We got to spend  quality time as a family.  We had a good dinner at Chili's on Holy Thursday.  My brother and his family was also with us during the holiday.  We were complete and I was happy and content.  But there was a sudden turn of events come Easter Sunday.  I did not feel Vito  move in my tummy.  All my attempts to wake him failed.  Even before rushing to the hospital, I somewhat knew that my 33 week old son was gone.  I was unusually calm throughout, which was weird.  

Lying in the labor room for 24 hours, enduring contractions, and getting an epidural felt so surreal.  I was waiting for nothing .  I would never hear my son's cry.  I was just staring blankly on the pink walls of my small cubicle, silently praying for some miracle and hoping that someone would wake me up from this nightmare.  But no one came to say " We got a heartbeat!" or " Happy April fool's day!"  

A little after 6pm, I gave birth to Vito.  I still wished he'd move when he was placed on top of my stomach, but he didn't.  I silently wept and wondered how he looked like until the nurse asked if I wanted to see my little bean, and there he was looking so much like my older son, but a little bigger.  I would never know how different and alike they would be and would never see them wear matching pajamas, share toys and love each other as I pictured them.  I touched his faced, his lips, hands and feet.  I examined his whole face.  My little boy looked very peaceful.  It was as if he was telling me that he was ok, and everything's gonna be ok.

The day of his cremation, which was the following day,  was the hardest.  That was the time that everything sank in.   That was the day when I wept.  I felt so helpless.  

It wasn't an easy pregnancy compared to my first, but all the sacrifices were worth it whenever I felt his somersaults and all tests would show negative.  That's why everyone was bewildered as to what could have happened.  

The results showed that Vito's cause of death was Utero Placental Insufficiency.  There was lack of oxygen supply in the placenta.  Why it happened, no one could tell.  As mentioned we passed all tests with flying colors.  I forced myself to go back to the previous days trying to remember what happened.  But everything was normal.  Vito was his usual active self.  

Almost two months after that tragic incident, I could say that I have accepted Vito's fate. I have never questioned why it happened and never blamed anyone for his loss.   However,  I could never really say that I will ever recover.  The pain of losing a child will never go away.  I wouldn't say that his death has brought something good, but rather it has made me realize that all of us are just living on borrowed time.  Death can come anytime, regardless if you are prepared or not.   It can slowly creep in times when everything seems to be going the way as planned.  

To my son, I would have loved to hold you in my arms everyday, but I am thankful that even if we only had a brief encounter, you taught me to value life, take it one day at a time, value the relationships that I have and spend time with people that matter.  I love you and one day I will be able to hold you and embrace you forever.  

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I was tearing up..
    I lost my son at 28 weeks, I was carrying twins at the time.. the other one was okay. It was a difficult time coz we did not know what will happen to the other one. After multiple tests and more importantly, God's grace, I was allowed to carry on with the pregnancy. My Rhylie came on his 34th week, his baby brother Rhys came 15 minutes after him. But I was not allowed to hold him. I saw him briefly and was crying the whole time after delivery. You are lucky to have the chance to hold Vito and say your goodbye. I was too weak and exhausted after 6 hours of labor and was not able to convince the nurse that I can hold him.
    People tell me, at least you still have one. They will never understand that I HAVE 2 sons and I lost one. My son will ALWAYS be a twin.
    I feel your loss, it will be okay but there will always be hole in our hearts for the little angels we have borrowed.. God Bless you and your family.

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    1. Thank you for your sympathy and am also sorry to hear about your loss. Until now there are still nights when I would suddenly cry and remember Vito. It does get better, but I do agree that there will always be that hole that will forever remain. I just pray for strength and hope that I will be able to hold up another pregnancy.

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